27/04/2025

Although it's embarrassing to admit, this is the first day of me being over my ex. I think that in cases like this, where I perceive rejection and decide to move on, being knocked down is paramount to growing up. I had a good cry about this and the various times I felt absolutely unbearable to myself after the sanctuary event. Contrary to what I was thinking in this particular moment, "manifesting" things to go back to how they were is pretty much impossible! Everything changes whether I like it or not!!
Now, as I begin a new chapter of my life, I look back on my shortcomings -- which undoubtedly have grown in numbers with my careless nature -- trying to make sense of how they occurred without acting as though I could have done any better. I don't think I'm a good person, I just happen to care about others a lot. And it is this care, I believe, that will continue to motivate my development and hopefully become less ashamed of myself and how the world perceives me.
I do have to hand it to my dad for keeping me in a constant state of unease and disgust towards my own talents though. No matter how far I run he catches up to me. I wonder how much more I can take before I accept that he's always going to have this control over me. I wish it was easier to empower myself and quit giving into the needs of others just to make up for every horrible thing I've done.
I'll have time to think about it now that I've a week before my internship, I guess. I hope I can do enough with my free time and not give in to fatigue.

Anyway, I finished updating my balance sheet, and now I'm going to scour the internet for dinosaurs because I deserve it. Someday I'll visit China and get to meet the fossils just like the videos, but for now I need to save up and work smart! See you tomorrow!